Always from the Backseat

Is Back Seat 2 words or 1 word? Backseat......Back seat? Hmmmmm.....well honestly trying to figure that out is really just procrastinating. Procrastination is BigGuy's thing usually, but today I am borrowing his procrastination skill because there was a topic I could not put to the side when it came up........while I would love to talk to someone about it that wasn't possible.......I did email with BigGuy about a bit, but can't think of who is available to really listen to me ramble - so I thought I should blog it out so to speak. Now I am finding it hard to talk about......but I should talk about it - or type about it - same thing kinda. Aren't there songs that say that - writing it down on paper keeps it from eating you up inside? I could go look for that song and the correct wording - I am sure I have the CD - I think it might be Breathe by Anna Nalick.........but really looking would be procrastinating more....so I won't.

What is my problem? I knew this issue would come eventually? This isn't even the start of it. This has come up several times before. Always from the backseat. BigGuy put it well, "Why does this make me so uncomfortable? I’ve known for more than 5 years that we can’t hide the fact that he is adopted. I’m regularly reminded by others of how obvious it is. In my heart I want to protect him from any form of difficulty, but in my head I know I have to be prepared for the reality. His story will not be like SuperStar’s and Spidey’s. But SuperStar’s and Spidey’s won’t be exactly alike either."

TheKing is getting to that age. He is noticing the differences. He started by making the obvious statements of color. He said he was "black" and I was "white". Then the questions started, "Why am I the only brown kid?".

Each question seems to be stated when he is sitting in the backseat of the car. Funny he has figured out that it is easier to deal with things when you aren't looking them directly in the eye.

We were riding home from school today and from the backseat he asked me why he is the brown kid and I am the tan mom. See for TheKing BigGuy is "white" and he says that I am "tan". He has told me that I could be "brown", but that I am not. I am "tan". Today I asked him what he meant trying to draw the conversation out until we could get out of the car and sit and talk face to face. He wanted to know why he is a different color. So I went straight for the truth. "I didn't give birth to you." "What is birth, Maudy?".......perhaps I stepped into that, but honestly the way I see it the first step to understanding it all for real is understanding where babies come from. Explaining "birth" to him wasn't so easy though. There was my explanation of a baby growing in a woman's belly......there was his questions of the difference between a baby and a toddler....there was his segue into why you call a toddler a toddler....my explaining the learning to walk part of toddle....and his talking about how he wondered if a baby would be scared to fall down a staircase or about having a monster eat it. Both of which I agreed a baby should be frightened of.

and then we were home.

I remembered the handy Usborne book that has tons of stories of "firsts" in a childs life. A baby coming home being one of the stories. So we sat down to read it and better understand where babies come from. I don't think TheKing has ever watched a woman through pregnancy like SuperStar and Spidey did. He found the pictures of Mrs. Usborne pregnant and then after giving birth to Susie very interesting. We flipped back and forth and back and forth looking at the difference. Then we flipped to the page where Susie's brother and sister come to visit her for the first time.......in a shared hospital room (must have been in Europe)........and the couple next to Mrs. Usborne's bed (who was caucasian) was a African American couple. TheKing pointed to Mrs. Usborne and said she was me, her husband in the picture was BigGuy, the brother and sister were Spidey and SuperStar, but the baby was not TheKing. TheKing pointed to the baby in the family next to them and said, "I am that brown baby."

He got it. Kinda.

We talked about how tan people usually have tan babies. Brown people usually have brown babies. White people usually have white babies. That babies often look like the woman and the man who created them and grew them in their belly. I told TheKing that there was a brown woman who grew him in her belly. He said he would like to be in her belly again. He curled up. I told him that the woman who grew him couldn't be his mommy and looked for another mommy. I picked him up and held him like a baby. He snuggled in. TheKing told me that if I saw a little kid on the side of the road walking alone I should get him and bring him home to take care of him. I asked him how why he thought his skin was brown and mine was tan. He said because I found him on the road. I told him that sometimes when a mommy is tan and a baby is brown they are different colors because the baby was adopted into the family.

Then he changed the subject.

TheKing asked if we could read a book about dinosaurs. I asked if he wanted to see the pictures of the day he was born and brought to our house. He picked up the dinosaur book and handed it to me. We read that book. Then we read another book. And another book.

I expect that there will be another day where he asks another question - from the backseat.

That is Sooooooooo NOT what we bought that phone for!!

So for SuperStar's birthday we gifted her a very nice phone. Yes she is 11 years old. Yes I was totally opposed for years to the thought that we would purchase one of our children a cell phone. No I didn't cave. Well yes I did cave. Wait....did I cave? Maybe not so much "caved" as Peer Pressure sank into the equation of it all.

SuperStar + Jr. High being really far away + other Parents purchasing cell phones for their kid's starting Jr. High + other Parents agreeing it is helpful if they are involved in school activities + a lot of "Can I PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE" ='s BigBuy and I CAVED.

Okay - yeah - I caved.

So now she has a phone. This is how it is generally used.

Texting

We were driving the other day - whole family - and BigGuy gets a text. He reads it at a stop sign and shows me.....it says "I am in the back seat"............it is from SuperStar.

It is 10pm. I am downstairs watching CupCake Wars. I get a text.......it says, "What Up"........it is from SuperStar who is supposed to be sleeping.

Now I will give you I am actually having some interesting conversations through texts with her. Things that we can say when we aren't together. She sent a text announcing that she made it for Treble Makers......she was very excited!! She sent me a text letting me know she was on her way home from school on the bus. Nice to know. She sent me a text letting me know she was a little down. We texted that through a bit.

Then came the day that she wanted to stay after for a Student Council election meeting. She called - I am staying. There was no ride set up and I couldn't leave to get her. She should have called to say....."can I stay" before the bus left. That was not the best way of using her phone, but lucky for us CB's son was doing something similar and she saved SuperStar's bacon by being on her way to pick up her own son who surprise stayed for the meeting.

Then came the day that SuperStar was staying after to attend a Speech Team information meeting. It was planned though. No worries. I woke TheKing up and made my way across town to pick her up. Only........she wasn't there. She forgot and took the bus home. Realized the goof half way, but didn't have her cell phone (which she should have because it was purchased for this reason) with her and didn't think to use one of the MILLION OTHER cell phones her friends on the bus had. Again - CB saved her bacon because NB noticed that SuperStar was crying from fear on the bus....CB let me know that my panicked search of the Jr. High school was in vain and called me - WITH HER OWN CELL PHONE - to let me know I should come home. This is exactly what we DID buy the cell phone for and again it wasn't used.

So after that SuperStar's privileges for texting and computer were taken for a few days.

Then the next day there was a Girl Scout event that SuperStar was working as a greeter for. She stood in front of me with her cell phone as she was preparing to leave. Now....going to an event without one of her parents is EXACTLY what the cell phone is for. Yea - she has it in her hands - and then she put it down and said, "Well guess I will leave this here since I can't text anyone until Friday"........

That is SOOOOOO exactly what we bought that phone for!!!

We Don't Need to Tell Them........They Learn It Themselves

Today TheKing and I were both working on the computer. Crazy right? My 4 year old son knows how to navigate the computer. Plus he is super good at it. We can turn the computer off and he can still figure out how to turn it on, find his way into the user that belongs to the kiddo's and on top of that all find his way into the websites that have his favorite games. Geez Louise.....

Today though he was on the home computer and I was on the laptop. Honest I was paying attention, but honestly it was half hearted. I didn't notice that he stopped playing his game because that music drones on over and over regardless of it you are playing the game or not. Suddenly he was standing next to me holding a Bella Sara card. The card isn't anything important. It is something similar to a baseball card that SuperStar collected for awhile. Each card has a mythical creature on it. This particular card has been sitting in the computer hutch forever, but was just now being noticed by someone.

The card that the TheKing was holding had a unicorn on either side. On one side the unicorn pictured had white hair. On the other side the unicorn pictured had black hair.

The King said, "What is this Maudy?" holding the card up for me to see.
"Looks like one of SuperStar's old Bella Sara cards." was my response after looking quickly at the unicorns.
"Is this one a good guy and this one is a bad guy?" he asked flipping the card back and forth between the two pictures.
"No I think all the characters are good in that series." I said - and then began to think about what he asked. "Why do you think one of the unicorns is a 'bad' one?" I added.
"This one is a bad one." and he pointed to the unicorn with black hair.
"Why do you think that one is the bad one?" I asked.
"Because the white one is always good." he added matter of fact.
"Well a black unicorn is just as good as a white unicorn and this one is a superhero." (TheKing is currently IN LOVE with superheros of all types so adding "SuperHero" makes a big point for him) I said pointing to the unicorn with the black hair. "There is nothing a black unicorn can't do."
TheKing put the card down and said, "Can I have a cookie now?"

I am realistic enough that I "get" he wasn't having this conversation to talk about racism or diversity. Yet at the same time we were. BigGuy and I have never told any of our kiddo's that white means good and black means bad. Just the opposite actually. We (okay maybe it is more ME) make a point to stress that there are stereotypes hidden in everything and to always be certain to Look Closely at everything before making a judgement on it.

Yet these messages of black meaning bad and white meaning good are there in my 4 year old sons head. This isn't a new message. I have had similar conversations with SuperStar and Spidey. All TheKing needs to do is watch a cartoon, a harmless Disney movie or in some cases read a book and he can learn that message.

We don't need to tell them..........they learn it themselves through our worlds subliminal messaging.

We do need to change it...........by talking to them even when it is not so simple or so comfortable. If we don't then they will continue to believe what they learn.

Spidey the World Changer

Spidey started school this past Tuesday. This year our school is BRAND NEW and huge. While we have only been in this neck of the woods for 3 years.......the fact that the age of our former school was old and run down was well known throughout the district families. The hardwork and joy that went into building our new school (and 2 more) was really cool to be a part of. So being a part of all the BIG events that have had to do with opening our new school has been really exciting and gives you goose bumps.

As our school opened our schools dynamic changed. Our former school was small, but we had as many students as it would hold. The new school is not small at all!! The school district redrew the lines for each of the schools as they built and expanded the schools we are moving into. Thus the face of our school community is changing. We have more diversity. We have an even higher population of families who qualify for services. We also have a new element of mainstreaming kids into the class with different abilities. While each of these new pieces of our school come with excitement of challenge.........they can also be a frustrating challenge. One I know our teachers and principal are up for, but one I wondered about in terms of our students interacting - and considered how Spidey would respond. Now I know he will be fine.

One new student in Ben's class is James. James is Spidey's age, but just under my size. Spidey has been talking about James - he seems genuinely concerned about him. Described him to me as "not so bright", but very nice and that he cries when he gets frustrated and needs a lot of help in class, but tries really hard and has a lady who helps him all the time. My guess was James had a TA in the class. Given our districts financial cut backs I know that a TA these days is generally attached to an IEP. I asked Spidey's teacher about James because he wanted to have a playdate and I would need to contact Jame's parent. I also asked his teacher why Spidey would keep describing James as "not so bright" and she explained. James has Asperger's. She also shared that James is apt to just stand up and wander out of the class room. Which is the norm for kids with Asperger's. So I figured that first we would get to know James better and make sure that his parents would be ccomfortable with us asking him for a playdate.

Spidey's teacher has used the bond the boys are building to help James get comfortable - remember he is new to our school and new to our classroom. Spidey is not - there are a lot of kids that are new and that alone is something for Spidey to adjust to, but his teacher was his sisters 3rd grade teacher. His principal has been the same great guy since Kindergarten. Spidey was a part of everything that is our new school. Spidey's teacher now has the boys in the same desk group and Spidey has talked about trying to get James to be part of the fun at recess, but so far he hasn't joined.

Spidey broke down in tears one day after school while he was telling me all about how some of the other kids were teasing James for crying. He made me cry too I was so touched by his concern. Spidey felt so badly for James that he stuck up for him with the developing class bully. This is a big deal for Spidey because he wants to be part of the "in crowd"........so going against them is NOT something he ever did in prior years.

All of this also struck a cord with me that so often we judge people by how we look. James is a big kid. Normally James would be the kid that stuck up for the littler kids - or bullied them. James is being judged wrongly by the other kids and will easily become a target.

This Friday night we had one of our family movie nights. We watched Blind Side. Not my favorite movie because I think it is an overly sugary sweet version of what people should be doing - plus the movie made it look like once again a white family was saving the world of people in other races (yes I do understand the irony of what I say - but I would have made the movie differently) - and I think the excessive money the family portrayed has give's the rest of the adult world an excuse to say "well if we had money we could help, but......." (I have seen people post exactly this on facebook - and heard them say it in conversations) - Still their story is wonderful because they did these things because they felt the need to - not because any of the rest of us were making them - they felt a love to do it. Hopefully their story is inspirational enough to others that some will reach out and touch a life of another person in a positive way. Because that is what our world needs.

Anyway - I wanted to watch Blind Side with the kids to give them an idea of remembering to LOOK at people - really LOOK at them and realize that the package is not always what it looks like (especially given that they are both starting schools that are different in many ways then our former elementary was). In the movie Michael originally looked like a tall, dirty, scary kid who didn't belong - but when people took the time to get to know him they realized that he was just a another person - like themselves - who needed help and once they really got to know him they found that he was a sweet person who truly cared for others.

After the movie I tried to start a conversation........but there were no takers and we all kinda forgot about it.

This morning before school Spidey qouted the movie. I asked him what he thought about the movie. He said he didn't like the movie because it had so many sad parts to it. That statement to me was a total open door. We talked about how life for many people is hard and can be sad. We talked about how some of his classmates may be in situations similar to Michael and some may even be homeless (which I learned is a reality for our school population last year while working with some of our students). We talked about how at some point in everyone's life there will be hurdles that we all have to get over and it is sometimes only with the help of other people who wander into our lives that we make it over those hurdles. The character of David (the gang member who dies) was especially hard for Spidey. He said he didn't like that David died. He wanted to know if that part of the movie was also true. So I tried to explain how the story teller used David and Michael as mirrors of what "could happen" if no one helped a kid who needs them - and what "can happen" when someone does help the kid wno needs them.

We also talked about how helping does not mean bringing them into your home - sometimes it means working to collect food with your religion class - helping the community through your Boy Scouts - Christmas caroling - donating your clothes or toys in good condition - or it just means being a friend that listens and spends time doing fun things someone else.

Spidey is killing me these days because he looked up at me and then just started to cry. Then I started to cry. Then he asked me, "Do you think James can jump on our trampoline?"

I think we will be having a playdate soon.

Fantastic Miss SuperStar

Fantastic Mr. Fox is what is on the menu at our house right now. Rehearsals started in June.....every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 7pm - 9pm.....then tec week bumped it up to 6:30pm - 9pm and Fridays added in. Not too too bad, but it does seem to be taking up a good chunk of evening time.

Performances started last weekend - Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday for 3 weeks - with one pickup rehearsal on Wednesday. That is a lot of Fantastic Mr. Fox. I know all the lines.....I know all the songs.....I know that SuperStar is loving every minute of it. She has had a few friends show up and she is loving showing them about the theatre - telling them what is what - but she is being kinda shy with her co-stars. I think I talk to them more then she does - which is so out of character for her......but they are kinda older then her. The kids more her age are in the animal characters. She is in the ensemble where they play a few different characters and switch to different positions. At first she was very disappointed........she didn't get to be an animal.........then she realized the animals sit on stage the entire production and don't move - so she embraced being a Villager, Chicken, Stage mover abouter and various other things as assigned.

The thing I find very interesting is that hanging with the older kids has SuperStar thinking she is one. The boys in this photo are 14, 15 & 16. The girls are 13, 14, 15 & 18. I asked SuperStar at one point how she gets along hanging out with the kids - she told me a few stories - I can see how the boys are sweet and helpful to her (like big brothers) and that she goofs around with the girls, but she said they were all good except one rat (the boys dress as rats) can be kinda inappropriate. So I asked her what she meant and she said that the said rat (center of photo)- keep in mind the dressing rooms are in the basement of the building and there are the usual support beams holding the floor up - well said rat was teasing one of the girls as she twirled about a support beam and saying that she was doing a pole dance. As SuperStar told me the story I agreed with her that it was kinda inappropriate ........ then SuperStar ASSURED me that he NEVER did stuff like that around the "little kids".......so I pointed out that at 10 years old she IS one of the little kids!!

Even then......said rat is not a "bad boy"....he really does seem sweet and helpful - just maybe a little "showy" - of course I imagine that is why every one of those kids is there.....you should hear the stories they tell about their parents - forgetting they are there....drinking....never feeding them....not making smart choices pertaining to child care.....geez louise if I didn't know their parents I would worry....the drama of it all!!!

So if you are in the area catch a show -
Friday - Saturday - Sunday and then again next week on Thursday - Friday - Saturday and Sunday........but then it is gone.......so don't miss it!!

You Would Have Thought I Bought Them Gold

Hasn't it be 20 Years??

This is a cake that I made for MrK.........he turned 4 yesterday and yesterday was his birthday!! I was asked to do a Millineum Falcon.........remember those? From like 30 years ago? At first I was thinking 20, but it must be 30 or more - I was about 10 I think when I saw Star Wars.....





















When we first talked about my making this cake (it was our gift to the bday boy to help out with "getting things done" and how many toys does a kid need really? So we gave him a few books and this cake) - anyway - when we first talked about my making this cake we googled Millineum Falcon cakes and came up withe quite a few. Some that were SUPER cool looking and that I will NEVER be able to emulate from my kitchen.....and some that were EPIC fails and looked more like a soccer ball then a space craft.















Now I personally see many flaws in this cake. Like these pointy things that jut out of the ship......they are totally cut uneven. They looked even, until I added the icing and that just seemed to make them go all wonky. Did the 4 year old notice it? Nah....in fact I am faily sure that most people looked at this cake and thought "I will never want to do this" and didn't notice the Billboard sign size flas I can see at all.



















Sometimes I need to step away from whatever I am creating and stop looking at it. Then when I come back it looks WAY WAY WAY more amazing then it did when I left it.

















So where I was cringing at the sight of this cake right after I completed it - after putting it up for the night.......sleeping for 8 hours.....and then returning to it the next morning - I loved it all that much more. Then after looking at the cake through the eyes of a 4 year old, the relieved mom and all the guests - I felt like my mild success turned into a Splendid Success. Yea!!