I post every once and again about being disappointed that someone has made a racial/social/personal blunder in my world. Honestly I know that I also post about things that I do myself that are Blundery.......but sometimes I amaze myself when they are back to back - Blunder Annoying Me - to - Blunder I Make .......generally if I am experiencing a blunder I can catch my own from happening.
This time I didn't.
So TheKing wants to have a birthday party to celebrate how fabulous he is and have people bring gifts showing him their adoration. Don't we all? You don't? Well them I am guessing that you are Jehovah Witness. Anyway that can be an entire other blog - back to the birthday adoration - this year TheKing wants a Curious George party. No biggie you say? Yes, well then I am guessing you are a white person.
TheKing is 4 - TheKing loves Curious George - it would seem fair that TheKing should have a Curious George party. TheKing is African American though. I mention TheKing's birthday party theme wish to a friend........she stares at me in horror and says, "You can't do that."
I know she is right - but it seems not fair - birthdays are about having it "your way". Since it seems not fair I ask another friend (you should know these friends are African American - and another friend who has adopted a son from Ethiopia as well - so I have 3 people weighing in on this). She takes a more sympathetic/empathetic stance - knows that I know what I am asking and that I am aware of the negative stereotypes attached to this theme. I start crying - she hugs me - all is good - but it is confirmed........no Curious George party. Not a good idea. I am told that any black parent who comes to the party will be offended and that basically when TheKing is older he will look back and wonder what the heck his parents were thinking.
TheKing and I talk and he changes his mind - no, we didn't talk about the subtle stereotypes and racist imaging that is causing the theme to change - more we talked about having a magician instead and maybe a Curious George party another time.
Where is the offensive blunder? Well there wasn't one.........but as TheKing would say "Keep it in your head" that I just went through this experience of race sensitivity.....
two days later........
TheMan is getting ready to go to a birthday party (hey, maybe the real problem in the world is all these birthday parties?! Get rid of birthdays and it is all good.). TheMan needs a birthday card to go with his gift. TheMan is too lazy to make the card like his sister would......hint hint if you are reading TheMan. So BigGuy asks if there are any cards that I have stashed to use with the gift. I go in search of an appropriate card - not too "little kid" - not too "girly" - not too "dorky". Find one - it seems perfect - safari like which will match a boy thing - has a zebra on it which is kinda cool - and I bring it up to BigGuy who looks at it and says, "You can't do that".
Why not you ask? Well the birthday boy has a white parent and a black parent. Negative stereotype imaging again. Will it seem like a big deal to me? No. To the birthday boy? Probably not yet as he is a little young. Would his parents notice? Maybe. Is it worth risking feelings? Absolutely not.
I go downstairs and dig another card out of my stash. Blunder outside of the house averted - but I am disappointed in myself and a bit amazed that I missed it. Is this over thinking? White Privilege would say "yes" I am over thinking it........but when was White Privilege ever right?
5 comments:
Ok, I am confused. What's the big deal?
the big deal about which?
1st of all this comment is coming from a mixed woman (black & native american)...I say throw him the flippin Curious George party because it is 2010, that is what he wants and who gives a darn what people think! It's time to change our way of thinking...we are now living in a huge melting pot called America!
I want to thank both of you - Household you are right that we can't "hold the world against the kids" and Anonymous after hearing from so many black woman that I would be a fool to throw the party it is nice to hear that we have be the change we want too. Sometimes it is hard to be the person taking that step - but you are both right.
I feel for you. And it hurts. It really hurts. It's up there with not allowing the child to have exactly what he wanted to eat if he of his own accord asked for watermellon and fried chicken for his birthday dinner. And I'm not saying that flippantly and I don't mean it offensively. But it is his birthday and he doesn't even see the difference. If it's what he wants, it's what he wants. And maybe, just maybe it reminds me a little bit too much of how I strongly coerced my oldest daughter to be Hermione instead of Harry Potter for Halloween. Not that I would ever care, but it might offend SOMEONE. Do we want to offend someone? No. But when we start letting other people tell our children what they're allowed to like, it comes down to the same thing. Now, I know you well enough to know you handled this well. It just makes my heart ache that there are things in this world that little boy wants but can't have, just because of what someone might think.
Having said that, I let my 8 year old daughter (who looks like she's 11) shop for pajamas in the boys department today and I nearly choked on my own tongue so that I wouldn't say "you can only wear those when it's just our family". She will offend and she will be teased for it and I'm sure I'll get looks from parents and all I can do is let it happen. Because it's her and I don't want to crush even the tiniest part of her any longer with what she can't do because of what other people think.
I hope you take this the way I mean it. I know I'm a little sensitive to the idea of raising a child who doesn't fit into the cookie cutter world we live in. I know how good of a mother you are and I'm sure you handled it well, no matter what. I just hate that it's even an issue at all.
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