Always from the Backseat

Is Back Seat 2 words or 1 word? Backseat......Back seat? Hmmmmm.....well honestly trying to figure that out is really just procrastinating. Procrastination is BigGuy's thing usually, but today I am borrowing his procrastination skill because there was a topic I could not put to the side when it came up........while I would love to talk to someone about it that wasn't possible.......I did email with BigGuy about a bit, but can't think of who is available to really listen to me ramble - so I thought I should blog it out so to speak. Now I am finding it hard to talk about......but I should talk about it - or type about it - same thing kinda. Aren't there songs that say that - writing it down on paper keeps it from eating you up inside? I could go look for that song and the correct wording - I am sure I have the CD - I think it might be Breathe by Anna Nalick.........but really looking would be procrastinating more....so I won't.

What is my problem? I knew this issue would come eventually? This isn't even the start of it. This has come up several times before. Always from the backseat. BigGuy put it well, "Why does this make me so uncomfortable? I’ve known for more than 5 years that we can’t hide the fact that he is adopted. I’m regularly reminded by others of how obvious it is. In my heart I want to protect him from any form of difficulty, but in my head I know I have to be prepared for the reality. His story will not be like SuperStar’s and Spidey’s. But SuperStar’s and Spidey’s won’t be exactly alike either."

TheKing is getting to that age. He is noticing the differences. He started by making the obvious statements of color. He said he was "black" and I was "white". Then the questions started, "Why am I the only brown kid?".

Each question seems to be stated when he is sitting in the backseat of the car. Funny he has figured out that it is easier to deal with things when you aren't looking them directly in the eye.

We were riding home from school today and from the backseat he asked me why he is the brown kid and I am the tan mom. See for TheKing BigGuy is "white" and he says that I am "tan". He has told me that I could be "brown", but that I am not. I am "tan". Today I asked him what he meant trying to draw the conversation out until we could get out of the car and sit and talk face to face. He wanted to know why he is a different color. So I went straight for the truth. "I didn't give birth to you." "What is birth, Maudy?".......perhaps I stepped into that, but honestly the way I see it the first step to understanding it all for real is understanding where babies come from. Explaining "birth" to him wasn't so easy though. There was my explanation of a baby growing in a woman's belly......there was his questions of the difference between a baby and a toddler....there was his segue into why you call a toddler a toddler....my explaining the learning to walk part of toddle....and his talking about how he wondered if a baby would be scared to fall down a staircase or about having a monster eat it. Both of which I agreed a baby should be frightened of.

and then we were home.

I remembered the handy Usborne book that has tons of stories of "firsts" in a childs life. A baby coming home being one of the stories. So we sat down to read it and better understand where babies come from. I don't think TheKing has ever watched a woman through pregnancy like SuperStar and Spidey did. He found the pictures of Mrs. Usborne pregnant and then after giving birth to Susie very interesting. We flipped back and forth and back and forth looking at the difference. Then we flipped to the page where Susie's brother and sister come to visit her for the first time.......in a shared hospital room (must have been in Europe)........and the couple next to Mrs. Usborne's bed (who was caucasian) was a African American couple. TheKing pointed to Mrs. Usborne and said she was me, her husband in the picture was BigGuy, the brother and sister were Spidey and SuperStar, but the baby was not TheKing. TheKing pointed to the baby in the family next to them and said, "I am that brown baby."

He got it. Kinda.

We talked about how tan people usually have tan babies. Brown people usually have brown babies. White people usually have white babies. That babies often look like the woman and the man who created them and grew them in their belly. I told TheKing that there was a brown woman who grew him in her belly. He said he would like to be in her belly again. He curled up. I told him that the woman who grew him couldn't be his mommy and looked for another mommy. I picked him up and held him like a baby. He snuggled in. TheKing told me that if I saw a little kid on the side of the road walking alone I should get him and bring him home to take care of him. I asked him how why he thought his skin was brown and mine was tan. He said because I found him on the road. I told him that sometimes when a mommy is tan and a baby is brown they are different colors because the baby was adopted into the family.

Then he changed the subject.

TheKing asked if we could read a book about dinosaurs. I asked if he wanted to see the pictures of the day he was born and brought to our house. He picked up the dinosaur book and handed it to me. We read that book. Then we read another book. And another book.

I expect that there will be another day where he asks another question - from the backseat.

That is Sooooooooo NOT what we bought that phone for!!

So for SuperStar's birthday we gifted her a very nice phone. Yes she is 11 years old. Yes I was totally opposed for years to the thought that we would purchase one of our children a cell phone. No I didn't cave. Well yes I did cave. Wait....did I cave? Maybe not so much "caved" as Peer Pressure sank into the equation of it all.

SuperStar + Jr. High being really far away + other Parents purchasing cell phones for their kid's starting Jr. High + other Parents agreeing it is helpful if they are involved in school activities + a lot of "Can I PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE" ='s BigBuy and I CAVED.

Okay - yeah - I caved.

So now she has a phone. This is how it is generally used.

Texting

We were driving the other day - whole family - and BigGuy gets a text. He reads it at a stop sign and shows me.....it says "I am in the back seat"............it is from SuperStar.

It is 10pm. I am downstairs watching CupCake Wars. I get a text.......it says, "What Up"........it is from SuperStar who is supposed to be sleeping.

Now I will give you I am actually having some interesting conversations through texts with her. Things that we can say when we aren't together. She sent a text announcing that she made it for Treble Makers......she was very excited!! She sent me a text letting me know she was on her way home from school on the bus. Nice to know. She sent me a text letting me know she was a little down. We texted that through a bit.

Then came the day that she wanted to stay after for a Student Council election meeting. She called - I am staying. There was no ride set up and I couldn't leave to get her. She should have called to say....."can I stay" before the bus left. That was not the best way of using her phone, but lucky for us CB's son was doing something similar and she saved SuperStar's bacon by being on her way to pick up her own son who surprise stayed for the meeting.

Then came the day that SuperStar was staying after to attend a Speech Team information meeting. It was planned though. No worries. I woke TheKing up and made my way across town to pick her up. Only........she wasn't there. She forgot and took the bus home. Realized the goof half way, but didn't have her cell phone (which she should have because it was purchased for this reason) with her and didn't think to use one of the MILLION OTHER cell phones her friends on the bus had. Again - CB saved her bacon because NB noticed that SuperStar was crying from fear on the bus....CB let me know that my panicked search of the Jr. High school was in vain and called me - WITH HER OWN CELL PHONE - to let me know I should come home. This is exactly what we DID buy the cell phone for and again it wasn't used.

So after that SuperStar's privileges for texting and computer were taken for a few days.

Then the next day there was a Girl Scout event that SuperStar was working as a greeter for. She stood in front of me with her cell phone as she was preparing to leave. Now....going to an event without one of her parents is EXACTLY what the cell phone is for. Yea - she has it in her hands - and then she put it down and said, "Well guess I will leave this here since I can't text anyone until Friday"........

That is SOOOOOO exactly what we bought that phone for!!!

We Don't Need to Tell Them........They Learn It Themselves

Today TheKing and I were both working on the computer. Crazy right? My 4 year old son knows how to navigate the computer. Plus he is super good at it. We can turn the computer off and he can still figure out how to turn it on, find his way into the user that belongs to the kiddo's and on top of that all find his way into the websites that have his favorite games. Geez Louise.....

Today though he was on the home computer and I was on the laptop. Honest I was paying attention, but honestly it was half hearted. I didn't notice that he stopped playing his game because that music drones on over and over regardless of it you are playing the game or not. Suddenly he was standing next to me holding a Bella Sara card. The card isn't anything important. It is something similar to a baseball card that SuperStar collected for awhile. Each card has a mythical creature on it. This particular card has been sitting in the computer hutch forever, but was just now being noticed by someone.

The card that the TheKing was holding had a unicorn on either side. On one side the unicorn pictured had white hair. On the other side the unicorn pictured had black hair.

The King said, "What is this Maudy?" holding the card up for me to see.
"Looks like one of SuperStar's old Bella Sara cards." was my response after looking quickly at the unicorns.
"Is this one a good guy and this one is a bad guy?" he asked flipping the card back and forth between the two pictures.
"No I think all the characters are good in that series." I said - and then began to think about what he asked. "Why do you think one of the unicorns is a 'bad' one?" I added.
"This one is a bad one." and he pointed to the unicorn with black hair.
"Why do you think that one is the bad one?" I asked.
"Because the white one is always good." he added matter of fact.
"Well a black unicorn is just as good as a white unicorn and this one is a superhero." (TheKing is currently IN LOVE with superheros of all types so adding "SuperHero" makes a big point for him) I said pointing to the unicorn with the black hair. "There is nothing a black unicorn can't do."
TheKing put the card down and said, "Can I have a cookie now?"

I am realistic enough that I "get" he wasn't having this conversation to talk about racism or diversity. Yet at the same time we were. BigGuy and I have never told any of our kiddo's that white means good and black means bad. Just the opposite actually. We (okay maybe it is more ME) make a point to stress that there are stereotypes hidden in everything and to always be certain to Look Closely at everything before making a judgement on it.

Yet these messages of black meaning bad and white meaning good are there in my 4 year old sons head. This isn't a new message. I have had similar conversations with SuperStar and Spidey. All TheKing needs to do is watch a cartoon, a harmless Disney movie or in some cases read a book and he can learn that message.

We don't need to tell them..........they learn it themselves through our worlds subliminal messaging.

We do need to change it...........by talking to them even when it is not so simple or so comfortable. If we don't then they will continue to believe what they learn.