This year we have actually come back to STL a few times now. 3 maybe? Not sure - not really worried about it. And honestly at the beginning of summer I completely dreaded it and didn't want to do it. This feeling had nothing to do with organizing time, organizing seeing people, packing, money, time - it has everything to do with leaving again.
We loved our life in St. Louis. All of us. Me. And as much as I like going back and doing all the free fun things and seeing all the free fun family and friends - I hate leaving again. I hate leaving so much that I find myself dreading being there. If I am not there - then I don't have to leave. If I am not there then I don't have a feeling of needing to see every person I love - because I do feel this way - I feel like I have to squeeze each and everyone of you in St. Louis into the time we are there - invite you to whatever event we are attending - eat a quick meal with you at your home or in a fast serving restaurant - stop at your work to say hey - as we skip onto the next event - stop by your house even if it is just basically to use a bathroom and talk for 20 minutes - because this is what we have basically done for most everyone there within the last 2 years. Sometimes the trip includes staying at a house - whose house - who would be the least upset if we don't stay at thier house and whose house could fit all 4 or 5 of us and stand the insanity of the children tromping things? How hard is the holiday going to be if we go to St. Louis - how many stops will we need to eat at - will they get mad if we Just Can't Eat A Single Bite even if they made what they know is our Favorite Meal? Will they make us feel bad by saying "oh honey wish you could stay longer". How can we get enough of so many important people and places in so little time? How can we stand to not get enough of so many important people and place in so little time? Is it just easier NOT to put ourselves through the effort, exhaustion, emotion of it all? Will our family hate that we don't come? Will our family and friends come visit us if we can't make it there? Not a question of is it Worth It - because it is Totally and Completely Worth It. But is it going to send us into another Tail Spin once it is over? Will the time remind me (them) that we don't live there anymore. When we leave will all the heartbreak of leaving the first time start All Over Again? Will I (we) miss them all over again? Will I (we) have to readjust to not having them in life every day? Will I be able to handle that?
Will I - Can I - Certainly I should.
But it is hard.
And sometimes it is just easier not to. Just to stay home here and wait for them. Then they are leaving - something that is easier. Much easier.
3 comments:
Looking at your photos of just, well, driving through the streets of St. Louis. It made me homesick.
And I live closer than you.
And I've only been gone for 10 weeks.
But for many months before I moved away, I lived just across the river in a teeny-tiny IL town. Even then, ten miles away, I was homesick for St. Louis.
I miss the people. The neighborhoods. The architecture. The red brick everywhere. The food. And countless free attractions (not lame crap, places and events that are worth your time). There is always affordable fun; there are always great people to meet.
I miss St. Louis.
But it's nice here, too.
It's hard to do it. It seems I've been doing it in one direction or another my entire life. It used to be it was living in Houston and visiting St. Louis. And it's exactly as you described it. And then it became living in St. Louis and visitin Houston. The only thing I can tell you is that it does get easier. And people will learn (you included) that you can't do everything all the time. They will, if they can, come to you when you are in town. And when it matters most, they will come to see you when you're not in town. It does get easier, I promise.
I can now relate to the post all too well! There are too many people to see and not enough time to do it!
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