Racial Microaggressions

A friend passed this to me today - it is worth the read. It comes from the blog - Racialicious

Racial Microagression -

The people who say these things appear to think that racism occurs rarely, and that when a non-white person complains about allegedly “trivial” instances of racism, it means that she is like a young child who hasn’t yet learned that not everyone in the world is obligated to be nice to her. In reality, however, I have experienced racial microaggressions since childhood, and I am well aware that the world is not a safe space for people of colour with respect to race. I point out racism not because I’m noticing it for the first time, but because I want to bring it to the attention of others who have grown up shielded from the daily realities that people of colour have to endure. I point out racism because I want to point out injustice, not because I am some selfish oversensitive child who wants the world to revolve around me and my feelings.

Instead of “I’m offended!”, I tend to say, “That’s racist!” However, this method has its own problems, because although you are not calling someone a racist, the accused perceives it that way, that you are personally attacking their character. Calling someone racist, they argue, is an ad hominem and therefore not a valid argument. They say that you are characterizing them as a bad person so that anything they say is characterized as illegitimate. They make it all about them instead of about the action being criticized. They claim that they are being silenced if I use the word “racist”, so that I even considered using the terms “racialist” or “racial discrimination” instead to make the criticism more acceptable. Sometimes I did this, until I realized that even if you use a less offensive word, they still became defensive because they could not accept the idea that racism isn’t over, or that they could be racist (adjective, which is a different concept than being a racist, noun). I also realized that I was bending over backwards as to not hurt their feelings, instead of the other way around, the latter being the illusion that they maintain through repetition.

Why is February Black History Month?

This I found very interesting. I had read something recently by Henry Louis Gates Jr. He had made suggested that it was not surprising (or something of the sort) that Black History Month would be in the shortest, darkest and coldest month of the year. The statement kinda wreeked of the sentiment that perhaps it was a racist assignment to have Black History Month in February.

I have been thinking about it and keep meaning to find out if there was a reason that this month was chosen. Then it jumped out at me in Time Magazine.

Now, the first statement was also in Time and a reader responded stating that Mr. Gates did not know his Black History Month history - I qoute, "He should know it is an outgrowth of Negro History Week, founded in 1926 by historian Carter G. Woodson, who selected mid-February to honor the birthdays of Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass. Black History Month remained in Februrary out of respect for Woodson's scholarly choice."

I didn't know that! Did you?

Whose Responsible for the Interpretation?

The month is getting away from me - wonder why they make the shortest month Black History Month? Hmmm....could it be White Privilege? Gotta Wonder.....

Anyway, there have been few people who have been comfortable enough to write something that I can put on the blog. I have received emails about things - even a sweet letter about things, but most people want to share their experience just with me - not on the blog. I am being good about listening to that request. One person I heard from said that I can share, but not to use their name. Since I hardly know this person and am pretty sure no one else does either it isn't that big a deal, but you just never know. Therefore I will listen.

This persons story stems around a picture similar to the one below.


This person is in a predominantly white church. I can't remember her talking about any families of any color belonging - although they might. There are families who are African American attending the school, but less then a handful. This person has mentioned that they wish there was a committee to work on creating more diversity and structuring things so that they will be more welcoming to people other then whites. This has not happened, but the suggestions made by my friend have been listened to and taken in a positive light. There are no outwardly obvious prejudice acts made at the church.

Now, a few years ago her parish school commissioned an artist to come in and do a large mural of the Last Supper on one of their school walls. People were excited about it. The artist was hired. The painting was worked on - and as it was taking shape this person began to notice something. No one in the picture was of color. My friend knew that the church was thinking they should reach out to other groups other then white people. My friend also knew that the fact that God and the Disciples were white in the mural was a false representation of what it "really" should have looked like.

My friend mentioned this to the schools principal. My friend stated that this was not a true representation and that perhaps the school would be better off is some of the people in it were of color. The principal said it was not for him to say how it was created because it is the artists interpretation.

Hmmm............if you pay a person to do a mural for you don't you get to say what you want it to look like?

Is it White Privilege to believe that the people who are in the Last Supper portrait are white - when we know that geographically there is no way they would have been?

Is it passing the buck to say that it was the artists fault that everyone in that mural was white - when in reality it could not have been that way?

My friend stood up for what they believed - the principal did not. Why wasn't it changed? Why wasn't it specified in the original order?

Not that the people at the Last Supper would have been African, but they would have had much more pigment in their skin then Charleton Heston. Why can't we, as white people, acknowledge that?

Why Do You Think The Way You Do?

Why do you think the way you do? Who taught you the images that automatically come into your mind when you view things?

I was reading something I bumped into on line - the article was about Cleopatra. What is the first imagine you have of Cleopatra when you think of her? Mine is Elizabeth Taylor. Never saw her movie, but I can see her with the black eyeliner and the sheet like toga. The article I was reading mentioned that Cleo was black. Someone else had written they didn't believe that was possible - Cleo was white. She couldn't be black because she was beautiful. It is a fact that Cleo was black though. So why don't we see that? What was the person taught that they believed Cleo had to be white to be beautiful? Someone, in my case a white casting director, changed my history. Cleopatra was white and then I saw her as white. I was taught - in a not intending harm way - that Cleo was white because that probably sold more tickets at the theatre.

This is how White Privilege works. Subtly. Not meaning any harm. Yet doing it.

This Boy is Just Weird

So the other day I am in my craft room - door closed to keep the 3 year olds out (like there are a ton of them) - and I hear a "knock knock muffled sound tip over bang knock" at the door. Figuring it was a 3 year old due to the nature of the unorganized knocking - and tipping over bump against the door - I said, "Come on in" - knowing full well that there is one of those door knob covers over the door knob and it would take the 3 year old another few minutes to realize that he couldn't actually open the door. Although he should know this because there are sooooooooo many doors that have these covers. I know - it isn't nice to trick a 3 year old, but you need to understand that there just isn't enough time in the world for me to list of the billions of things he does to me everyday right along those same lines. "Mommy I need you..........." and I go to find that he doesn't really need me - he just wants to convince me he needs another gummy bear vitamin even after I have told him a million times already 1 vitamin a day. "Mommy there kitty poop............." and I go only to find that he really wants me to reach up and get the Thomas tank I put up out of his reach because he launched the metal f*%ker at my head earlier in the day. So don't judge me - this extra minute I buy myself letting him realize yet again that he can't actually open the door is due to me!!

So we are at the "knock knock muffled sound tip over bang knock" at my craft room door. I say, "Come on in" to hear more buffered banging against my door and then, "I can't reach it." This isn't my 3 year old it is my 7 year old. He is certainly tall enough to reach the door knob - so he must have his hands full. Reluctantly I get up and open the door to see what he needs.....................and this is what I greet........



Well......originally he is actually tipped over onto the ground because he was trying to reach his arm/leg up high enough to attempt to open the door. Which - as you can see - was going to be impossible since he had his stretchy shirt on as pants with his arms and legs tucked through the arms of the shirt. After I kicked him back onto his side and nudged his butt up he was able to take his froggy posture.



We both giggled terribly about the fact that he couldn't move well and his butt kept popping out of the bottom of his shirt/pants. But the funniest part was when Babers came over, looked at him, said something that sounded like, "You are weiurd." and pushed him lightly causing him to tip back over and fall onto his back with his arms and legs up in the air. Babers then sat on him like he was a butt chair. It made us roll even more. That is when we took pictures, but Babers wouldn't sit back down on the butt chair. Go figure.

Sometimes it is not what We Teach Our Children...

Sometimes it is not what WE teach our children - but what we don't teach them.

Have I heard that somewhere or did I just make that up now? Hmmm......doesn't seem to be such an original thought that it is mine - but I honestly did not google it or anything. It is just what I am remembering. Regardless - it brings to mind an experience that SuperStar and I had a few years back....

To start this I think it should be said (because not everyone knows what goes on in mine and BigGuy's heads) that we have worked to make certain there is diversity in the people who surround our family and our children. We were MUCH better at this when we lived in STL then where we live now. In fact, when we first moved here I referred to our new neighborhood as the Stepford Village (sorry CB, CK, CM - oh, all my friends names start with C's!) and privately to myself as Whitesville. Yes, that probably could be considered Racist, but hey, I am white so maybe it is okay for me to say. Maybe. Anyway, BigGuy and I have tried very hard to make certain that our kids have a lot of diversity. We picked a neighborhood where we have a variety of neighbors - white, black, brown, same sex families, traditional families - it was one big mix-up. We went to the public school and honestly, we were the minority. This was never a concern for us. We were teaching the kids to look at people for what they brought to the friendship - not for what they looked like. In class SuperStar had two best friends - one white and one black. She played with all the kids - never a problem. She never said anything that would have caused us to feel like she was anything but happy. The particular school year this story comes from the above picture was her class. Most of her classmates were African American.

So again - we were teaching her to accept people for who they were, not what they looked like. We were encouraging relationships with everyone in our neighborhood. We were surrounding her with experiences to learn from different cultures and races. We were intentionally trying NOT to make prejudicial remarks about any group outside our own. We were working hard to Teach our Children to be un-Racist.

SuperStar was invited to a birthday party by her friend M. M is African American. It was a roller skating party. SuperStar was super excited. The party was on the same day as a 50th party for another friend. So we were going to the skate party and then to the other party. BigGuy was taking the boys with him and Babers was going to need a nap - so they could not come with us. The party was in an area of STL in North City. North City is not the safest area at all. North City also tends to be where a large number of African American's live. Lower income area. Higher crime rate. It is where my great grands lived - where my dad remembers going to see the Cardinals play. Not far from where my parents grew up. White flight came in though and then the neighborhood developed a negative reputation. Still, I didn't feel unsafe going there during the day.

We had a hard time finding the skating rink. The original had been burnt down and the sign still stood - so it was a bit confusing. SuperStar started to panic that I was going to make us late. Better directions from M's mom might have helped. Then I noticed a line of kids waiting outside of a blank building. They were holding roller skates so I figured we hit the mark. We got out - got in line. We were the only white people there. A dad of another classmate was there. I tried to ask him if he had seen M's mom - he didn't want to talk to me. So we waited. I asked the person at the door if we could check for M's mom before paying (which we didn't realize we would have to do and we were lucky I had money) - he said no entry without payment. So we paid. No M and no M's mom - no sign saying "Party Here" - no one knew that there was a party planned. The dad of the other kid wouldn't talk to me. We got our skates, put them on, skated a bit and waited. 40 minutes later M showed up. SuperStar is still totally excited by all this. The rink started to get more crowded. There were a lot of adults skating - a lot of families - it was actually pretty cool. I admit we don't take our kids roller skating much, but when we do there aren't a bunch of parents skating with kids, more like kids dropped off, early teens and older elementary kids - this was different it was very family oriented. I was wishing BigGuy and Spidey had been able to come (Babers was too young).

It got really crowded. SuperStar had a skating technique that looked very similar to ......ahhh....ahhh....scoot....scoot....ahhh....toe kick.....trippy looking move......is she going to fall........uh oh....watch out.....then a smooth roll......start over. Watching this you were certain she was about to fall, but then the smooth roll made her look almost like she knew what she was doing.

Half way through the skate session SuperStar came off the floor in tears. She said someone big had scared her. There were some much older teens skating, dads skating - there were a number of big guys out there. And again - it was very crowded. There were some trick skaters out there too. Then she said a guy grabbed her and that is what scared her. That made me uncomfortable and at first I thought the worst. I stopped her from crying, sat her down and had her explain what happened. She did - she was skating - then someone came up from behind her and grabbed her and let her go. I asked where they touched her. She said it was her arms and shoulders. I asked if they said anything to her. She said No. I asked if they stayed near her. She said No. That made sense - she looked like she was falling - remember her skate technique - and they thought she was going to run into them - they righted her up and made she she was safe and skated away. My fear left.

However, SuperStar would not get back on the floor. She refused to skate anymore. It was cake time anyway so we went to do cake. SuperStar would not eat. She announced to me that she was ready to leave. We tried to convince her to stay for the games and opening the presents. She wouldn't. She said that she wanted to leave. Apologized to M, thanked her for inviting her and we left.

Once we were in the car I asked her what was wrong. She said she was scared. I asked of what. She was quiet. I assured her that the man who touched her was probably just trying to make sure both she and he did not fall. She didn't say anything so I started the drive to the next party.

A few minutes later she spoke. And what she said surprised me. She asked if I realized that we were the only white people there. Aside from one other friend and her dad who showed up later. I said I did notice that. She said it scared her. I asked her why and she said because black people hurt other people. I was floored. Where did she learn that? Not from me. Not from BigGuy. I pointed out that she was always with people of other colors and that they never hurt her. She said that since we were the only white people there it was different. I pointed out that Babers is very often the only black person in all our white family. She said that was different because white people wouldn't hurt him. She seemed convinced that a white person would not hurt a black person, but that a black person would hurt a white person.

We didn't teach her that. Where did she learn that?

I am learning that there are many untaught things that need to be taught. We are taught NOT to talk about race - that it is embarassing if our child asks a question in public that makes us think someone else might feel we were racist and we hush them - usually to never revisit the question. What we are teaching our children is NOT to talk about that - and they keep their questions to themselves - they never get the answers to the questions that might matter the most. There are so many little unnoticed comments being made that effect how we look at races other then our own (and that statement is meant to go all ways - whatever your race is you have the same effects happening) in the media, in books, in classrooms, at the park - and our children don't ask the questions because we have taught them not to. So they make their own answers.

Why are we afraid to talk about Race? Differences? Why are we afraid to Share? Work Together?

This Is How We Do It

We are goofy. No doubts about it. We are proud to be goofy. And we have fun. I am the room parent for Spidey's class this year. Plus we help out in what ever way we might be able to in SuperStars. It is not always an original idea - but usually we try to share an idea that will be remembered. This Valentine we were recruited to do the Games in both kiddo's classes. Well, being room parent in Spidey's we were not actually "recruited" so much as there was no one else so we did it. In SuperStar's class we volunteered because the room parent there had already done it the other 2 parties.

What game did we play? Well, we borrowed an Oldie, but a Goodie. Originally introduced by MO at a MOMS Club picnic sooooooooooooooooo many years ago (ohmigoodness can we be together long enough for it to have so many "o's" in so?). Then used in SuperStar's first Kindergarten party. Bobbing for Donut's has always been a hit!!! And it was yet again on Valentine's Day in both classes.

SuperStar on Stage

SuperStar had her class musical this past Thursday night. I really got NO good pictures because a very tall parent was sitting in front of me. He was okay and I could have worked around him, but then for some reason he moved his chair to the right and was perfectly in the center of the stage. I could see 3 rows of kids to the left of his head and 3 rows of kids to the right of his head. Luck was with us and SuperStar was the last kiddo on the right side of her row. So we did see her. The problem was that with videoing his head kept throwing off my focus. Shoot. Literally. Yes, I could have moved, but Babers would have wanted to move with me and he was quite the force to be reckoned with that night.

Still............we did hear her. There were a few solo's and SuperStar was one of them. Most were done in groups of 3, but SuperStar was paired up with 2 boys and when they each sang into their microphone (there were 3 placed on stage) she was the only one you heard. She received a lot of compliments.

It Is Harder Then I Thought

It is harder then I thought to have an opinion about something that is not mainstream. Well, honestly, in terms of a subject White Privilege is mainstream, you would think it would be at least. It is important enough to be. I hear people talk about it. I have been part of conversations - heck, many conversations - where it is talked about. Maybe they don't say "white privilege this" or "white privilege that", but I do hear people talking about things that occur that are exactly "this" and "that" - they just haven't given it the Title of White Privilege.

Kinda like this picture. It is there - but the person who has it (me) doesn't really want to bring it out in the open. Why not bring this picture out in the open? Well..........because it ain't the greatest. Kinda downright dorky really. Very few pictures of oneself - taken by oneself is attractive. At least when held at arms length. Can you see the metaphor? I didn't. Weird - I knew that this was the picture to go with this post - and I knew I hated this picture (although secretly I love being seen as a Queen) - I didn't see the metaphor until Just Now!!

No One Wants To Look Too Closely At Themselves In The Area Of White Privilege and other Race Driven Topics - Because They Rarely Look As Good As They Thought They Did.

And that is the primary reason that talking about this topic through the month of February is much harder then I thought it would be. My plan was to have people help me out - to write little dealies about things they have gone through. Like I said - I have been part of the conversations - I know the stories - but I felt if I Wrote Them I would be stealing their stories. Now I am finding that the stories change a bit - because people want them to be more specific - their picture changes a bit. Makes the white person look better. One friend - who has a Wonderful Voice and Perspective about this topic has given me permission to write the story, but it needs to erase things that would tie back to her. She stopped blogging because she didn't want her views to be brought back and reflected negatively upon her children. I was shocked. She is a wonderful voice and we have lost it. Not completely - she still voices it I am sure - but selectively. Other friends, like Chaos & Connections, are happy to speak out. My cousin, When Elvis Died, is another great voice. And if you look - there are so many more. Yet, I am finding that for every 1 great voice talking about how to overcome the negative side of our countries diversity - there are probably 20 who are quiet.

That makes me sad.

For a moment it made me scared. Should I worry about a negative reflection being brought back to my family? Then I giggled at myself - shoot, that ship probably sailed a number of years ago. Still..........it is much harder to talk about all this then I had anticipated.

Wonder Why?

Did you attend a 4th of July Celebration this year? Did you celebrate Christmas? Easter? Halloween? Go to a SuperBowl Party? Watch the Baseball Playoff's last Fall? Will you celebrate Fat Tuesday?

Today is February 12th - we are almost half way through Black History Month. Have you read a book to your children about a great black citizen of the US? Have you attended any events that celebrated Black History? What are you teaching your children?

St....ate.........State

Are you old enough to remember The Electric Company? Me either........However, I did see it in re-runs. Well, actually I am not sure if I saw it in real time or re-runs, but I did see it. Funny to think that Rita Moreno, Morgan Freeman and Bill Cosby were stars of a kids show that I watched. Rita Moreno of course was already a star - and Bill Cosby had a show then too - I think. Hmm...perhaps I am TOO YOUNG to remember some of it. Anyway, everytime I help Spidey with his spelling words I think of the video below this post - it is a fun clip I pulled off of YouTube.......

I also think - how the heck did Spidey end up with such hard words???? For example, each week they take a pre-test on Monday so they know what to study during the week - the first 5 words for this weeks test were:
Same
Came
Made
Make

In all there were 10 words that were similar in difficulty. He aced the test - 10 out of 10 right. Yea Spidey! He tends to get at least 1 wrong each week and on occassion up to 3, but this week did excellent. 80% of the time he is what is called a Super Speller. This week Spidey is a Super Speller - which means he gets a new list of words. Here are the first 5 words in his Super Speller list:
Skating
Grateful
Hibernate
February

What happened???? How many adults can spell February? So we will make like The Electric Company and praktise (get it?).

The Electric Company - C is for CA

Think About It & Be Honest

"a lot of people still believe that the darker you are, the more dangerous. I know, I thought we gave that up some decades back."

Another good sentence that I think will kick many of us in the gut - even if we don't want to admit it. Because - now, let's be honest here - this is what we were taught. What we coninue to be taught.

Think about it -
* What color USUALLY depicts the "bad" guy in movies - Black
* How many of the Disney "good people" of color? I got Pocahontas, Jasmine, the girl who fought the Emperor and Lilo - none of them are African American though........
* When you think of Food Stamps who do you envision receiving them?
* Teen pregnancy - what color do you see?
* A group of teenagers was shot - what color were they?
* What is your all time favorite TV show - what color was the majority of the cast? The Lead? (we will visit this one later in another blog entry).

Be Honest with yourself.

Now read something from another blogger that I Love! The opening sentence is hers from the blog I borrowed below - click on her name to see the full story - Ms.C from Chaos & Connections is a friend of mine from STL. She is a wonderful writer and a world of information and compassion -

First, a friend tells me how her daughter was treated recently back East. The daughter is 17 and African-American, although my friend is Caucasian. Her daughter was adopted from Africa as a child. She is a good student and a great kid, giving her parents just enough teen drama to keep them on their toes. Her boyfriend is also black.

Last week, as blizzards swirled through the area, my friend’s husband took their kids out to cut some pending cabin fever off at the pass. This daughter and her boyfriend asked if they could stop at Dunkin Donuts for a drink and wait there while Dad delivered the other kids to the nearby library. He agreed and dropped them off. They ordered their drinks and food and stood, sipping, talking and waiting for Dad to return. Several other patrons sat or milled about, but the two teens were the only people of color in the place. After less than 10 minutes had passed, the manager came out and rudely told them that they had to leave or he’d call the police. ”Why?” they asked. Because we don’t allow loitering, they were told. They told him their ride would arrive shortly, but he said he didn’t care. He told them they’d have to wait outside.

Remember the blizzard? So these two kids, who were doing nothing wrong but being darker than the other donut-eaters, had to stand out in the wind and the snow and wait for her dad to arrive. They called him on her cell, and you can rest assured he made it back there in record time. He confronted the manager, who hemmed and hawed through his amazement that this man, this white man, was claiming to be her father, then finally admitted that no, they’d done nothing wrong. They weren’t loud, they weren’t bothering anyone. Dad even asked other patrons, and all agreed that the manager had been entirely out of line. They left before any law enforcement arrived, but the damage had been done. She was angry and hurt - well, yeah. Who can blame her? She and her father are writing a letter to the local paper together, as these parents try to show her proactive ways to handle prejudice. They will not spend another nickel in that Dunkin Donuts, nor will any of their friends, but who knows if that will have an impact. Several friends advised calling the corporate offices to let them know that one of their franchisees is exhibiting blatant bigotry like this, but past that, what can my friend do?

Sue him? That’s an option, sure. But she realizes her child may not want to become the poster girl for bigotry - especially because she is already a black girl with white parents. Racial peculiarities are a way of her life. That hasn’t been a big problem; she has siblings of several colors including her own biological sister, but not every kid has the temperament to wear such a mantle.

Hard to believe that this small-minded manager decided to actually vocalize his prejudices and without cause, send two well-behaved kids out into the snow. What was he thinking? ”Uh-oh, they’re gonna cause trouble, I just know it. I know! I’ll outfox ‘em and cut ‘em off at the pass, kick ‘em out before they have a chance to scare my other customers.” Really??? In 2009?? Sometimes, living in the city and surrounding myself with generally kind and open-minded people, I honestly forget that the world is still full of idiots. This was quite the reminder.

This is White Privilege. Why did the manager feel Comfortable in Singling them out? And Even Though the other "non dark" customers spoke up later - where were they when the kids were being kicked out? That is White Privilege too.

Would you have thought maybe the manager is onto something because they are the only non-whites in the place, they must be up to something? And Stayed Quiet and Let it Happen?

Or Would You Have Stood Up And Questioned It?

She Broke Her Record!!

Cheers to SuperStar!!! After 2 weeks (well, she took the last Fri. & Sat. off to have some fun - and those were the warmest days of the whole sale season! Figures....) we are done selling.

Yea!!! Yea!!!

Okay, those shouts are completely mine. I am Soooooo Incredibly Happy to NOT have to go out in the cold and knock on another door - walk through the snow drift that is really an unshoveled walk way - smile in an understanding way at another person who is on a diet and can't at least buy the Low-Fat cookies (I mean "come on" she is cute for goodness sakes and it is friggin' cold out here).

Yea!!! Yea!!! We are Done Selling Cookies.

What was her final? 755 boxes. Yep. A little shy of her originally set goal, but still 225 more then she sold last year. Pretty - Darn - Fabulous!! My prediction is that Next Year she will make 1,000.

If you bought - THANK YOU!!

If you sold some for us - or mentioned to a friend - THANK YOU!!

Special Super Thanks to AuntB (my sis), AuntM (aka Household Exec.), GranmaR, Nanny & GrammaJ. Every Box Counted!!

Get ready for the tasty cookies coming your way!! Get to the gym so you can eat without guilt!! If you forgot to order - well.........we can still buy some for you through the office - so just let us know.

Next Challenge - Delivering!!!

Still Counts as White Privilege - even if they didn't mean it to......

So the other night I am talking to one of my good friends. I was telling her about my experience in the rural town that harbored the not so friendly WalMart. She and I sometimes disagree on topics - usually on politics - but never (that I can remember) on family value issues. We are family first - kids first - people first - and she does not appear to have a prejudice bone in her body (that I have witnessed to date). However, she also has a rosey view of the world. I envy her that. Now....I am very capable of looking on the Bright Side of Things. I am also a professional in the area of Reasoning Things Away So That They Aren't Really Yucky. But I think that she is even better. And sometimes I find myself trying to be nice so that we don't clash on topics that can cause long term problems. That is probably a "friendship" rule for everyone though.

As I started - we were talking about the Icky Walmart incident and she then told me a story about a friend who is African American - who is beautiful - and was on business in a town very close to where my friend grew up. At one point in the trip this woman was the only African American in a restaurant she stopped in with work friends and that the waitress was looking at her as she made her way from the bathroom - and that the waitress then made a nice comment to her about how she held herself so nicely - no comments were made to her white work friends. Her friend thought it was odd that the waitress would say that to her, single her out, but she also thought the comment was said with true sincerity. My friend said that her friend related the story to her as being that the people in the restaurant were just "curious" and didn't have any negative intent.

As I listened it dawned on me that my friend was reasoning away the rudeness that I experienced at Walmart. And I understand why. It is much easier to live life with the thought that everyone is as nice as you are. My friend is very nice (have I mentioned this?) and she expects others to be the same. She probably wanted to save me the hurt of thinking people were not sending me or Babers positive vibes. Plus, if all the people really were just "curious" then her world of nice people - and my want for everyone to be nice to my son - can be true. It is much easier to just think that all those people at WalMart were really just "curious" about me and how Babers fit.

Now....I have to disagree with my friend on this. Even if the people were only curious - it was rude. Even if the people hadn't seen a beautiful African American woman, or a gorgeous White Mom (me) with a cute as a bug African American son (Babers) - they should not gawk and stare - that makes people uncomfortable - it is rude - it is unsettling for the person on the receiving end of the "curiosity". The woman should not have to readjust her own comfort level so that others can get their "stare on" and quench their curiosity at her expense.

If they - these rural white people who aren't exposed to much outside their own community - had come to my former neighborhood (STL City) and been treated by my neighbors (who are primarily African American) in the way they treated me - or CB's friend - then those rural white people who aren't exposed to much outside their own community people would have left the City of STL thinking "Those people are rude and made me feel uncomfortable. I never want to go back there." - and they would be right to think this. ** This does not include people who are intentionally trying to hurt you - criminals, thugs, etc. - because large cities certainly do have more of that then small rural towns - I am only speaking of commonly nice people who live in large cities ***

So even if someone of a different color comes into your community you do not have the right to gawk and be rudely curious.

This Still Counts as White Privilege - even if they didn't mean it to......

Was it Really a Surprise?

We have lived in the house for 1.5 years. Ahh....1 year and 9 months. In that time I have talked about wiping out the beige that covered every wall of the house - oooohh.....ummm...like every month. In fact, I do believe if we were to scroll back through the blog entries we would find SEVERAL references to how much I wanted to paint all the rooms in the house. We did the basement this time last year when it was refinished - okay, we didn't, but Tony and his crew did. Granted the walls were Brand New and had to be painted so we chose the COLORS that we wanted (I use capitals for COLORS because beige is not a color and should be in small letters - making a distinct difference in my Love for Color). Then last spring? Maybe spring into summer - I started the process of painting all our bedrooms. It was spring - I distinctly remember BigGuy complaining and us trying to get our bedroom done before some weekend school related event going on. Yes, I mention BigGuy complaining. He Does Not Like To Paint. Which probably explains why after getting done with the bedrooms (they turned out great - even BigGuy was happy we did it) we were supposed to segway into the first floor rooms. Never happened. I got tired of all the "murally" painting in the bedrooms and then without any back up enthusiasm about painting (meaning BigGuy supporting me) we just never did it.

I did however make a plan for that finish work (as I liked to think of it since I see it as the "end" of painting - at least for awhile - BigGuy points this out on every occassion he can). It was to start in Sept. after the kiddo's went to school. Only life happened and again - BigGuy didn't seem excited. So I set the plan for November so when we had people in for all the events in late November & early December we could WOW them with our new look. Only BigGuy didn't think that was a great idea. Drat - I was Shelved again. And BigGuy didn't seem to mind at all.

Skip to this past Friday. I am pretty certain that I talked about painting since Christmas ended. "We will get started in Jan." "Do we have the money to buy paint this weekend?" "What do you think about these colors for the room?" All these things made it seem apparent to me we were painting - very soon. Then Friday we dropped the boys off at preschool and headed to Lowes. AND PICKED OUT PAINT!! BigGuy helped - he seemed okay with me picking the colors and the guy behind the counter was helpful too - he seemed a tad more into it then BigGuy. And we WERE picking color -
Terra Cotta Trail - 2 cans please
Secluded Garden - 1 can please
La Fonda Antique Red - 1 can please
Safari Sun - 1 can please
Florentine Clay - 2 cans please

First thing Saturday morning I was pulling off light plates, outlet plates, taping the white trim, prepping the room by moving furniture and starting to cut in. My plan was to do as much as I could by myself. If I didn't bother BigGuy then he wouldn't complain. I knew he would show up eventually and help get the high spots. And he did. On Saturday he actually started helping very early on. I was happy. However, part way through he made a comment about how my painting just "Comes on like a Storm" - huh? Maybe a storm that rolls in so slowly that you see it coming FOREVER!! and you wonder when the heck the rain drops are going to fall and why it hasn't happened already!! Where is the reality in not knowing that for the last 1 year and 9 months we would be painting all our rooms on the first floor? I knew the rooms were marked for that day - the paint in the garage kinda solidified it for me.

Again though - BigGuy didn't complain - he just seemed baffled that we were painting after just buying the paint the day before. Hmmmm......is there a time line - should we have waited another month AFTER buying the paint?

Who knows - but here is a Before & After on the first 2 rooms down. The Kitchen is a whole other blog!

Let's Start with a White Privilege List

"I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance on my group"

I have borrowed this sentence from Peggy McIntosh. As I searched around for information about White Privilege a paper written by her popped up. This sentence I think is key to something that I want to make clear -

You do not have to be OPENLY Racist or Prejudice - or - even Remotely Racist or Prejudice to participate in the effects of White Privilege. It may be that you are simply oblivious and need to have your eyes open to what it is, where to look for it and most importantly How To Change It.

The following is a list of the Daily Effects of White Privilege that Ms. McIntosh created. When I read this list (and the rest of the paper) I realized it was/is a list I could make describing myself, most of my family and many of my friends. She stresses that this is a list that only attaches to her skin tone, she is white - no other outside issues (religion, race, sex, etc.) and that she has conferred with people in other races who feel these are not conditions they can count on:

1. I can if I wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.

2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust my kind or me.

3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.

4. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me.

5. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.

6. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.

7. When I am told about our national heritage or about "civilization," I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.

8. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.

9. If I want to, I can be pretty sure of finding a publisher for this piece on white privilege.

10. I can be pretty sure of having my voice heard in a group in which I am the only member of my race.

11. I can be casual about whether or not to listen to another person's voice in a group in which s/he is the only member of his/her race.

12. I can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods which fit with my cultural traditions, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can cut my hair.

13. Whether I use checks, credit cards or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial reliability.

14. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them.

15. I do not have to educate my children to be aware of systemic racism for their own daily physical protection.

16. I can be pretty sure that my children's teachers and employers will tolerate them if they fit school and workplace norms; my chief worries about them do not concern others' attitudes toward their race.

17. I can talk with my mouth full and not have people put this down to my color.

18. I can swear, or dress in second hand clothes, or not answer letters, without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty or the illiteracy of my race.

19. I can speak in public to a powerful male group without putting my race on trial.

20. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.

21. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.

22. I can remain oblivious of the language and customs of persons of color who constitute the world's majority without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion.

23. I can criticize our government and talk about how much I fear its policies and behavior without being seen as a cultural outsider.

24. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to talk to the "person in charge", I will be facing a person of my race.

25. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven't been singled out because of my race.

26. I can easily buy posters, post-cards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's magazines featuring people of my race.

27. I can go home from most meetings of organizations I belong to feeling somewhat tied in, rather than isolated, out-of-place, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance or feared.

28. I can be pretty sure that an argument with a colleague of another race is more likely to jeopardize her/his chances for advancement than to jeopardize mine.

29. I can be pretty sure that if I argue for the promotion of a person of another race, or a program centering on race, this is not likely to cost me heavily within my present setting, even if my colleagues disagree with me.

30. If I declare there is a racial issue at hand, or there isn't a racial issue at hand, my race will lend me more credibility for either position than a person of color will have.

31. I can choose to ignore developments in minority writing and minority activist programs, or disparage them, or learn from them, but in any case, I can find ways to be more or less protected from negative consequences of any of these choices.

32. My culture gives me little fear about ignoring the perspectives and powers of people of other races.

33. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing or body odor will be taken as a reflection on my race.

34. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.

35. I can take a job with an affirmative action employer without having my co-workers on the job suspect that I got it because of my race.

36. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether it had racial overtones.

37. I can be pretty sure of finding people who would be willing to talk with me and advise me about my next steps, professionally.

38. I can think over many options, social, political, imaginative or professional, without asking whether a person of my race would be accepted or allowed to do what I want to do.

39. I can be late to a meeting without having the lateness reflect on my race.

40. I can choose public accommodation without fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chosen.

41. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help, my race will not work against me.

42. I can arrange my activities so that I will never have to experience feelings of rejection owing to my race.

43. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem.

44. I can easily find academic courses and institutions which give attention only to people of my race.

45. I can expect figurative language and imagery in all of the arts to testify to experiences of my race.

46. I can chose blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.

47. I can travel alone or with my spouse without expecting embarrassment or hostility in those who deal with us.

48. I have no difficulty finding neighborhoods where people approve of our household.

49. My children are given texts and classes which implicitly support our kind of family unit and do not turn them against my choice of domestic partnership.

50. I will feel welcomed and "normal" in the usual walks of public life, institutional and social.

Is this a List that You Too can identify with? Can you read each of these statements and think to yourself, "Yes, I can count on that being part of my own experience."?

Then ~ SURPRISE ~ White Privilege is part of your life - and even though you are benefiting from it you have to remember that someone else is Not. There are neighbors, people at your work, school, church and throughout your community who Can Not say they can Count on these Freedoms, these Positive Experiences in their Every Day Experience.

Just because you are not Prejudice - it doesn't mean that you aren't inadvertantly participating in acts that ARE because you haven't taken a close enough look around you to see it.

Open Your Eyes - Look Around - See It Now?

Have Some Color with that Nervous Break Down? - Live In Your House

Thought I would follow up the last blog entry with the kitchen story. No sense keeping you wondering - that would make it seem far more interesting then it really is. Although it is kinda funny - in my head at least.

Yes, we have been painting. Started Saturday the 24th and Done by Thursday the 5th )because I wisely scheduled a party to Show Off all the new painting - gotta have an incentive that could potentially embrass me to motivate myself apparently - and hey, it worked!!). Now - inbetween those two dates I think I made a lot of trips to Lowes. People joke that whenever doing a home project they often have to make more trips to the hardware store then planned. In this case it was true and apparently the worker people noticed because they started to great me. Thankfully it wasn't by name. They did great Babers by name though.

So here is what happened...........

I planned out all the colors for the rooms - Living Room; Safari Sun & La Fonda Antique Red - Dining Room; Secluded Garden (to match the hard to match kitchen floor - all the rooms are open to one another so they had to be tied together - yes, I watch a bit too much HGTV) - Entry & Stairwells; Terra Cotta Trail - Kitchen; Florentine Clay (because that awful teal/blue tile had to be challenged by a warm color that would also bleed into the other rooms and hall). So all the rooms had a nice warm tone to them and blended the teal/green floor well. We were proud of ourselves for our perfect picking.

And then we painted the Living Room - Yea!! Fabulous!!! Then the Dining Room - another 100% happy project done. We were very proud - okay, I was. BigGuy was taking it all in stride. Then we began the Hall Entry way - looked great, but we (I mean I - BigGuy didn't notice) began to realize that there was a lot of red/brown/yellow hues - and the house was beginning to look like an Earth Tone Poster Child. Yuck. Even Spidey walked through and said, "That is a lot of colors that kinda look like red."

Total Warning Flag when a 7 year old boy notices this. I decided to paint a part of a pillar in the kitchen to see if it would be overwhelming. As you can see in the above picture - it was.

Off to the hardware store. My plan was to pick out something greenish that wouldn't clash either the floor of the walls. It needed some yellow in it and some blue - not easy. Have I mentioned I really have grown to hate that kitchen floor? I hate that kitchen floor. BigGuy and I had been on line looking at colors and I knew what I wanted - then I made the mistake of asking this very nice looking woman who turned out to be a designer. She said play it safe. Not sure why - she hadn't even given me a business card so I could sue her if a green color went bad. She did point out a green color - it was in the "blue" hue. Then I looked for the guy who had helped me the first trip. No where around. This other woman was though - very pleasant - didn't seem to mind that I had taken over her counter and sprawled out a piece of our flooring - a piece of our cabinetry - all the swatches of paint I had already used - just about every other color swatch they had available and borrowed a musical book from the book rack to entertain Babers. So I asked for her help. She said the same thing the designer lady said. So I called BigGuy at work and meekly requested he come to the hardware store. He wouldn't - he said stick to my gut and my original plan. Good man - believes in me - so I did exactly what anyone else probably would. I caved and bought what the other two women said.

Took it home. Put it on the wall. It totally sucked!!! It was/is bathroom aquasurf crap green (real name was changed to protect the creator). Begged a friend to come over to confirm the crappiness. She did - looked at it and winced. Damn!! BigGuy came home and said I should have gone with my first instinct. Put color swatches on facebook to get feedback. No real help because no one can really see the dynamic of the crappy teal/green floor (which is actually nice looking - IF YOU AREN'T TRYING TO MATCH A PAINT TO IT). I should have sought out the original guy at the store - I am pretty sure he was gay - and no offense (although someone will probably take offense) I am generally not into stereotyping, but every gay couple I have known have always created emaculately decorated homes - the only guy I have known who didn't turned out to be bi.

Back to the store. This is where they start to recognize me. They tell me that I "can't return mixed colors". I assure them I am wanting to "fix" the color - not return it - because goodness knows everyone on the plante has need for bathroom aquasurf crap green paint. Same woman helping. It was way early - so no one else there to distract her. I suggest she find something else to do as this could take awhile. I spread out ALL my aforementioned items. She fingers around them. She seems way excited about this process. Can't figure out what her deal is. Kinda wished she would go away as I was already having a slight Nervous Breakdown over this ONE SIMPLE COLOR!!! And finally she does - I think it was the 5 request for her to leave that tipped her off. Back and forth I go from the swatch wall to my stuff. Back and forth. Olive hue? Blue hue? Give up, go safe like the designer lady said and do a deep beige and the Florentine Clay combo? Wait - is the name of that deep beige really Warm Butt? Ack! Oh, oh, those are little tiny "f's" - oh, Warm Buff. That makes more sense. Kinda. What is a Warm Buff? I know what a Warm Butt is - see - this is just an example of what was goin' on in my head and why I was having a NERVOUS COLOR BREAK DOWN!!

Finally I picked Blue Grass Mood. Called my new friend over. She was crazy excited when it turned out that they could do an exact Color Fix (the official term for what we were doing) on the original paint. Just to be safe I also had a sample can of Warm Butt mixed. Side note - she didn't seem to get as big a giggle over Warm Butt as I did - but she wasn't having a break down either. She hand mixed the beige and while the big can was mixing I wandered over to the book rack where Babers musical book is kept (no one apparently ever buys those books - my guess is there are there for lame-o dads who forget it is Christmas and find themselves in the hardware store for something). At the book rack I found a book on color - and several hundred color mixtures in rooms. Some of them were absolutely hideous - making me feel better about any blunder I might be about to make with my colors. What's the worse case - I have to repaint right? No biggie.

Then, as we are sitting there flipping through the book (my friend was looking while we waited) I made the statement, "Shouldn't you be trained in paint matching to work in this department?" Her response was, "No, I have a degree in Horticulture." My face scrunched up in confusement (my word creation - back off) and said, "Then, shouldn't you be working in lawn and garden?" She smiled and said, "Yep. I could help people there." Sigh.

As I was leaving she grabbed my arm and thanked me. She said, "I spend almost every day mixing different colors of beige. It has been fun mixing your colors." I thanked her. Then she said, "People should Live in their House and paint color instead of beige."

I walked away happy that we are painting our house in color and getting rid of the beige. She hit my feeling exactly. Paint your house the color that matches who you are. This of course means that we are very loud, bold, bright people - but it also means we aren't beige.

What color is the kitchen? Well...........that has yet to be solved as of my writing - but we are at least to this point of deciding ~

They are EVERYWHERE!!

Take no offense if your kid is a Dino freak - or a Thomas freak. However, dinosaurs and trains just aren't on my list of "Interesting Things to Know Everything About". I was perfectly THRILLED that the first two kids did not take an interest in either of these topics (Cars would be included in this list). However, child #3 is Totally Into Dinosaurs - and even better - Thomas too!! We have been collecting Dinos for about a year now - and Santa brought a Great bunch of Big Dino's that stomp and roar. Babers birthday brought some little dinos that just hang out. Birthday parties brought a few more.

We now have Dinosaurs Everywhere In Our House.

Seriously - literally - big, little, stuffed, bumpy, dry, wet - all types!!

You can't walk down a hall without seeing a dino on the floor. Today on the way to the car there was one lying on the garage floor. Babers looked down and said, "What dat dinosaur doin' dar? He lost from his momma."

That is when I realized that for weeks I have been snapping pictures of dinosaurs doing things in the house. Drinking from the pet bowl, hiding under the table (or so Babers said), watching tv - snuggling under a blanket even!!, using the computer. Babers has them doing all sorts of fun things. How long does this last?

Black History Month

Welcome to Black History Month - the month dedicated to focusing on and Celebrating our countries Black History. Why don't we have White History Month? Well, for obvious reasons - we are taught our countries White History everyday - through out my time in elementary, Jr. High (they weren't middle school back "in the day") and high school - I learned ALL about the White History of our country. I can remember oodles of things about the white guys who founded our country - who fought for our country - who invented things for our country - but really only remember black history covering the slavery and years from 1960 forward - even that info was sketchy and included few strong African American figures. On a side note - there are just as few American Women mentioned. I remember Betsy Ross - she sewed a flag. I remember Eleanor Roosevelt - Gloria Stienem, wait, I don't think she was in my history book I think I searched her out myself.

Anyway - back to my point. My point is that it is Black History Month and there is very little taught in the public schools - private schools - parochial schools - basically "the schools" (in my day) that covered this topic. Why is that?

White Privilege.

What is that? White Privilege? Well............as defined by WikiPedia....

"White privilege is the advantages enjoyed by white people beyond that which is commonly experienced by non-white people in those same social, political, and economic spaces (nation, community, workplace, income, etc.). It differs from racism or prejudice in that a person benefiting from white privilege does not necessarily hold racist beliefs or prejudices themselves and can be, as is often the case, unaware of his or her privilege."

Doesn't sound awful when defined - however, it is terribly damaging when put in action. Not damaging for the white person who is experiencing the privilege - but certainly damaging for the person of color who is experiencing the privilege.

So for Black History Month I am going to give some White Privilege experiences. Personally, I have had them. However, I know others who have had them too - and I read about them. So I am going to pick and chose them to post. Throw up some info about what could be different. Hopefully get some of you to give me your stories that we can include. I understand that most of the people who hit this site are my friends and family - and primarily white - but you see things. As you read maybe you will see more things. Maybe you will notice how you use White Privilege in not so great ways. Maybe you will change your views. Maybe you will change the way you interact with people. Maybe you will "Be The Change You Want To See" - as my friend CK mentioned yesterday.

Maybe - Hopefully - Possibly

We Have Only Yet Continued to Begin

There is so much being said about racism - how it is now conquered because we have a new President and that because he is not White we have finally embraced people of Color and equality for all. Perhaps we have Begun embracing the thought of equality for all and Begun embracing people of all Colors. But it isn't done - and Don't Fool Yourself that we are really far. Because we aren't. If you are White then most likely you think that we are further then we are - if you say things like "I don't see a persons Color when I look at them" then you are probably further behind then you think - although your intentions are in the right place. If you "Don't See Color" then you aren't really seeing the Person. You are Erasing a large part of Who They Are. To TRULY See a Person You have to See ALL of Who They are - All Of The Person - including their Color - their Heritage - their Ethnicity.

Why am I thinking of this? Probably because every other day I hear (primarily from the media - reported by white reporters) that our new president signifies that equality is in the air. Then yesterday - after my youngest son, who is African American, vomited in the car as we traveled home. Yuck. We had run out of wipes that day - we did not have a change of clothes - we had to stop at the next exit. The car stops didn't have wipes and certainly didn't have a change of clothes (although I would have settled for wipes and bundled him in his unsoiled coat and a blanket to save the cost of a new outfit). We hit the nearest Walmart. This was a relatively small town. Very rural town. Not that I am giving excuses to them - just painting a picture. We looked nice (minus the vomit - that you really couldn't see because it had sunk in). We were dressed nice. Our hair was kept. Our faces were clean. Our shoes were nice. As we entered I noticed that we were being stared at. Not just stared at - you know how in movies a pretty woman will walk through a room looking really great and everyone "turns" their head and gawks - flattering of course. Well.....that is exactly what was happening. People were glancing - then focusing on us (mainly on me and my youngest son) and then turning as we passed them and continuing to gawk. Now......I would like to think that they were looking at me in my stunning new red coat that flattered my complexion and hair.....Might Have Been........Could have Been........But It Wasn't.

I don't mean to put thoughts into their heads - it isn't fair - I shouldn't judge. However, it was so blatantly rude the way we were being stared at - and the way a few people actually Moved Out of the Way as we came through while staring at us (these were older women) - that it felt unsettling. It was uncomfortable. I have pretty much started to numb myself to these acts of "kindness" - but there were so many stares and moving out of our way acts within the 20 minutes we were there that it was simply scary. I know that our son will have more experiences then I will. I hope that he will have many less experiences then generations who came before him. But I am certain that he will have unsettling experiences. We are not done in the process of embracing All People of All Colors..............We Have Only Yet Continued to Begin.......