Sometimes it is not what We Teach Our Children...

Sometimes it is not what WE teach our children - but what we don't teach them.

Have I heard that somewhere or did I just make that up now? Hmmm......doesn't seem to be such an original thought that it is mine - but I honestly did not google it or anything. It is just what I am remembering. Regardless - it brings to mind an experience that SuperStar and I had a few years back....

To start this I think it should be said (because not everyone knows what goes on in mine and BigGuy's heads) that we have worked to make certain there is diversity in the people who surround our family and our children. We were MUCH better at this when we lived in STL then where we live now. In fact, when we first moved here I referred to our new neighborhood as the Stepford Village (sorry CB, CK, CM - oh, all my friends names start with C's!) and privately to myself as Whitesville. Yes, that probably could be considered Racist, but hey, I am white so maybe it is okay for me to say. Maybe. Anyway, BigGuy and I have tried very hard to make certain that our kids have a lot of diversity. We picked a neighborhood where we have a variety of neighbors - white, black, brown, same sex families, traditional families - it was one big mix-up. We went to the public school and honestly, we were the minority. This was never a concern for us. We were teaching the kids to look at people for what they brought to the friendship - not for what they looked like. In class SuperStar had two best friends - one white and one black. She played with all the kids - never a problem. She never said anything that would have caused us to feel like she was anything but happy. The particular school year this story comes from the above picture was her class. Most of her classmates were African American.

So again - we were teaching her to accept people for who they were, not what they looked like. We were encouraging relationships with everyone in our neighborhood. We were surrounding her with experiences to learn from different cultures and races. We were intentionally trying NOT to make prejudicial remarks about any group outside our own. We were working hard to Teach our Children to be un-Racist.

SuperStar was invited to a birthday party by her friend M. M is African American. It was a roller skating party. SuperStar was super excited. The party was on the same day as a 50th party for another friend. So we were going to the skate party and then to the other party. BigGuy was taking the boys with him and Babers was going to need a nap - so they could not come with us. The party was in an area of STL in North City. North City is not the safest area at all. North City also tends to be where a large number of African American's live. Lower income area. Higher crime rate. It is where my great grands lived - where my dad remembers going to see the Cardinals play. Not far from where my parents grew up. White flight came in though and then the neighborhood developed a negative reputation. Still, I didn't feel unsafe going there during the day.

We had a hard time finding the skating rink. The original had been burnt down and the sign still stood - so it was a bit confusing. SuperStar started to panic that I was going to make us late. Better directions from M's mom might have helped. Then I noticed a line of kids waiting outside of a blank building. They were holding roller skates so I figured we hit the mark. We got out - got in line. We were the only white people there. A dad of another classmate was there. I tried to ask him if he had seen M's mom - he didn't want to talk to me. So we waited. I asked the person at the door if we could check for M's mom before paying (which we didn't realize we would have to do and we were lucky I had money) - he said no entry without payment. So we paid. No M and no M's mom - no sign saying "Party Here" - no one knew that there was a party planned. The dad of the other kid wouldn't talk to me. We got our skates, put them on, skated a bit and waited. 40 minutes later M showed up. SuperStar is still totally excited by all this. The rink started to get more crowded. There were a lot of adults skating - a lot of families - it was actually pretty cool. I admit we don't take our kids roller skating much, but when we do there aren't a bunch of parents skating with kids, more like kids dropped off, early teens and older elementary kids - this was different it was very family oriented. I was wishing BigGuy and Spidey had been able to come (Babers was too young).

It got really crowded. SuperStar had a skating technique that looked very similar to ......ahhh....ahhh....scoot....scoot....ahhh....toe kick.....trippy looking move......is she going to fall........uh oh....watch out.....then a smooth roll......start over. Watching this you were certain she was about to fall, but then the smooth roll made her look almost like she knew what she was doing.

Half way through the skate session SuperStar came off the floor in tears. She said someone big had scared her. There were some much older teens skating, dads skating - there were a number of big guys out there. And again - it was very crowded. There were some trick skaters out there too. Then she said a guy grabbed her and that is what scared her. That made me uncomfortable and at first I thought the worst. I stopped her from crying, sat her down and had her explain what happened. She did - she was skating - then someone came up from behind her and grabbed her and let her go. I asked where they touched her. She said it was her arms and shoulders. I asked if they said anything to her. She said No. I asked if they stayed near her. She said No. That made sense - she looked like she was falling - remember her skate technique - and they thought she was going to run into them - they righted her up and made she she was safe and skated away. My fear left.

However, SuperStar would not get back on the floor. She refused to skate anymore. It was cake time anyway so we went to do cake. SuperStar would not eat. She announced to me that she was ready to leave. We tried to convince her to stay for the games and opening the presents. She wouldn't. She said that she wanted to leave. Apologized to M, thanked her for inviting her and we left.

Once we were in the car I asked her what was wrong. She said she was scared. I asked of what. She was quiet. I assured her that the man who touched her was probably just trying to make sure both she and he did not fall. She didn't say anything so I started the drive to the next party.

A few minutes later she spoke. And what she said surprised me. She asked if I realized that we were the only white people there. Aside from one other friend and her dad who showed up later. I said I did notice that. She said it scared her. I asked her why and she said because black people hurt other people. I was floored. Where did she learn that? Not from me. Not from BigGuy. I pointed out that she was always with people of other colors and that they never hurt her. She said that since we were the only white people there it was different. I pointed out that Babers is very often the only black person in all our white family. She said that was different because white people wouldn't hurt him. She seemed convinced that a white person would not hurt a black person, but that a black person would hurt a white person.

We didn't teach her that. Where did she learn that?

I am learning that there are many untaught things that need to be taught. We are taught NOT to talk about race - that it is embarassing if our child asks a question in public that makes us think someone else might feel we were racist and we hush them - usually to never revisit the question. What we are teaching our children is NOT to talk about that - and they keep their questions to themselves - they never get the answers to the questions that might matter the most. There are so many little unnoticed comments being made that effect how we look at races other then our own (and that statement is meant to go all ways - whatever your race is you have the same effects happening) in the media, in books, in classrooms, at the park - and our children don't ask the questions because we have taught them not to. So they make their own answers.

Why are we afraid to talk about Race? Differences? Why are we afraid to Share? Work Together?