Why Was That So Hard?

Lately there has been plenty of time to blog - kinda - but I don't anyway. Most likely this is because my brain is fried being with the kids all the time. NOT that it is hard being with the kids (well it is in some ways - but it is not in most ways - does that make sense?). Partly because most of the things I want to blog about I don't want to have to:
a) explain later to people
b) worry that they will be worried about me just because there isn't always a happy ending
c) think less of me because I am honest
d) all of the above

I mean - it is SUMMER TIME!!! As Snoopy would have said, "Summa Summa Summer Time!!" Well............now that I write that out he would never have said it because he didn't talk now did he? Huh. Wasn't that cool how Charles Stultz made him talk without talking? Yet I do remember him doing the happy feet dance to that phrase............maybe Linus said it because Charlie Brown was kind of a depressive wasn't he?

Oh, and my camera has been out of commission due to battery problems - for a long time we didn't have any - then BigGuy bought a new set of chargeables for me, but we think the charger or the batteries are broken - and the saga continues. I like having pictures to work off of - unlike Franchesca and HouseFullofBoys - I am more like JeanetteEatsSpaghetti - visuals helpful thank you.

So anyway.........in a nut shell - this is why I don't blog serious things lately - too many competing thoughts in my head and in the end nothing makes it to the top.

This morning...........while everyone sleeps.........I will try.

Juneteenth. That was about 2 maybe 3 weeks ago. It is funny...........we have talked about going to this event for 3 Junes - since we moved here and discovered the event (because we never found one in STL - although there must be one because STL is so much larger). Then the first year we had to leave town for moving tie up stuff. Then last year a bday party in STL happened and we really couldn't not go (do those "nots" cancel each other out? not not go?). This year we had not a thing going that weekend - even said "no thank you" to an invite to camp (okay, honestly I said "no thanks" because we do not yet have a pop-up camper and I am boycotting all camping trips until I do - it is an issue with me). And we were excited that Juneteenth Celebration stayed on our calendar uncontested.

That morning we had a baseball game for Spidey. Easy enough - Juneteenth was from 10:30 - 4:30 - game was at 11am and then it was cancelled for a simple 1 hour practice. Gave us TONS of time. But it was hot. So we sat (well, BigGuy & Spidey did the running around of a practice, the remaining 3 of us sat and watched & chatted up the others sitters watching) in the sun and sweltered. TheKing was getting cranky and by the time practice was over it was his nap time. And we started to waffle on going. You know the thing where you and the other adult start talking about why it isn't the greatest idea to go to whatever you are supposed to go to............

* "gosh the kids are all cranky now" - but if you don't go they will just be as cranky only at home and totally needing to be entertained by you yourself.
* "it is so close to lunch we should go home at eat" - but they are serving food for free at the event.
* "do we need to spend the money?" - when we had planned to have money for this & we had a pretty good idea that it was all free and sponsored by the company BigGuy works for.
* "it is so hot out" - and we knew it was in the shade and if it were any other event we would be going regardless of heat - plus who were we kidding, if we did go home we would be working in the yard anyway.

So we decided not to go to Juneteenth. And we left the ball fields for home. Only I felt REALLY REALLY guilty about this because I knew why we were changing our plans to not attend this event. We were changing our minds - no, we were Talking Ourselves Out of Going - because it was hard. We were nervous. We were basically going to be Out of Our Own Comfort Zone. So we were Quitting.

And I knew it because I was saying it in my head. So my guilt drove us down that passed the park that the event was being held at. And as we passed I told BigGuy we should at least check it out - meaning see how crowded it was - not meaning get out and walk around. He agreed and we pulled into the park. It was crowded in a Small Park Area kind of a way, but it was Tiny in a STL Festival kind of a way.

Then the kids spotted the bounce house thing. Then I said - outloud - admitting it to myself and my best friend, BigGuy (who I can say crap things about myself to and trust he loves me anyway), "The only reason I don't want to go is I am uncomfortable about the way the people here will perceive me. Like I am only here because my son is African American" and he said it was the same for him and we both knew we were getting out of the car - because the reason we needed to be here was BECAUSE our son was African American and that was the basis of this entire celebration.

It was hard because..............gosh I guess because we are white and still find ourselves being somewhat insecure about it. Yes, this is normal and understandable - but it is not acceptable - because look where TheKing is. He is very very often The Only African American in sooooooooooooooo many situations we place him. And we don't think much about how that makes HIM feel. Sure he is little and cute and doesn't see that it makes much difference now..........but eventually he will.......and eventually he will most likely find himself as uncomfortable as we found ourselves..........and if we are going to present him these situations.........then we have to put ourselves in the same ones.

In the end it was easy. Everyone was friendly. Well, there was this guy who was in a FULL suit, leather shoes and a bow tie outfit - he looked very much like Louis Farrakhan - no joke. His wife wore an Islamic type female garb too (and did I mention it was REALLY HOT out?). I got a distinct vibe that HE did not care for us. But absolutely every other person was outwardly nice to us. There were a smidge of adoptive parents there - although single parents. Otherwise there were few white people. BigGuy knew a few people from his work as many were from there. And it was nice. And we would have been wrong to not attend. And we will go back and probably have more fun because we have been honest with ourselves.

On an interesting side note..............there is a local politician that shows up at EVERY SINGLE EVENT the area has. If you live here you totally know who I am talking about. He is incredibly white looking on any day - this day he looked really really pink and white (because it was so hot). All events have a politician at some point come and talk about the history of the event. As he got on stage I thought it was unfortunate that such a pink & white guy was going to speak at this one, but that is probably my own prejudice. So he gets up there - remember Juneteenth is about the announcement in the most southern states (which it took from Feb. when Lincoln made it so - to June 18th for the South to hear about it) and the celebration that came after they found out. Mr. Pink Politician did not do his research. He got up and wished everyone a Great "June Tenth" - several times if I remember correctly. Didn't talk about what the celebration was about - or address the black community in anyway that was special to the day..........just kept saying how great it was to be there on "June Tenth" (although it was June 27th at the time).

Since I am admitting shallow things about myself today - I have to admit that made me feel superior to the Pink Politician. Although I suppose perhaps I shouldn't because I am sure it is only a matter of time before I find myself in a similar spot.