You Just Can't Make this Stuff Up - well.....I suppose you can, but why would you?

Before you read this post I must present this:
WARNING - This Blog May Contain Some Wording That Will Create Visuals In Your Head That You Do Not Want To Have - PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK (This is especially true for parents of BigGuy & HalfPint).

Another Disclaimer - well, I am not as certain this is a disclaimer as it is that I need to say out loud (in typing) that I did have a conversation with my friend, SS, and she said this was okay to post - that it was funny and not TMI. Some things are easy to write about - other things you WANT to write about, but then you think......hmmm.......maybe if I have to think about it I shouldn't write about it and then you think........screw that I will anyway. So let's see what happens.

Now - if you read here (and I am sure you do) you know that a few months back - Valentines time to be exactish - the Olders began to have outloud conversations about what they knew Sex to be. Not that they knew exactly what Sex is, but I overheard them having conversations about what they Think it is. Not that they were not accurate in their definition - just their definition left some gaps in the complete understanding of what went into the definition of the word Sex.

Continuing - so you also know (because you read on a regular basis) that after these conversations were overheard BigGuy and I approached the Olders to have more indepth conversations about the Birds & Bees (what the heck is the reason for the saying The Birds and Bees anyway? Have you EVER seen 2 Birds or 2 Bees getting intimate? Ever? Maybe it should be the Dogs and the Cows - that I have seen - generally often with Jake & Sunny). Anyway, so over the past few months we have been trying to slowly work the whole Dogs & Cows (let's see if we can start a confusing trend) subject into casual conversation (ha!! like it has worked at all - not at all - of course I am not good with subtle, I do this - "So have you thought of any questions you might have about sex since we last talked?" - not apparently subtle enough because No Matter How Interesting whatever they are doing is they get up and leave me almost instantly). Still we continue to make the subject as Comfortable as we possibly can so that eventually they do come to us and ask us something (or we pray they do).

Of coures BigGuy and I are innovators - we like to think about all angles of the way to teach. Okay, BigGuy isn't - just I am. BigGuy is good at just saying, "Well, that didn't work. Wanna get a snack?" I try to reinvent the wheel and come up with a Bigger and Better Plan. However fate stepped in on us.

Now like I said - I wasn't sure how much TMI this post would be for some - and it took me a week or so to write it. So this isn't written lightly - well, it is written lightly, but not without thought. Oh I give up - I am just going to write it.

So.....It was Easter weekend and we thought that perhaps since we weren't going to STL to visit family we should do fun stuff with the kids. Thursday I took them out during the day to play some of their energy off. Later we let them invite friends over for a sleepover. They stayed up late and got up early. Then Friday we went bowling and had a family movie night - we watched Get Smart - up latish for them (adding up how sleepy they are getting?). Saturday we had donuts and then we went to the Skating Party Spidey was invited to. We all went - BigGuy and the kids skated - I milled around with TheKing after he quit the skating (I wanted to skate, but it would have been throwing money away). After we took the kids to pick out Lunchables (yuck!) and then came home to relax a bit. They were pretty tired after 2 late nights and a lot of activity. They were completely vegged out in front of the TV when BigGuy and I decided to carve a little time out for ourselves. We had basically run them into the ground and they looked really tired! That meant we could probably go undisturbed for a bit. I invited BigGuy upstairs.....you see where this is going right?

This is Where Visuals may come into play and some may want to just stop.....

Now - generally when BigGuy and I are having an Afternoon "Treat" I insist that we stay clothed from the waist up. JUST IN CASE we have a party crasher if we are dressed from the waist up we can recover fairly quickly. This particular day BigGuy talked me out of that - the kids were tired - they had just eaten - they were watching a movie - BigGuy had locked the door - I was convinced. I asked just to make certian, "You locked the door right?" He looked a tad annoyed since I think I asked this about 6 times. A bit into the "Treat" I even started to relax - it had been 5 minutes and there were no peeps from downstairs - we decided it didn't have to be a Quickie "Treat" - 10 minutes and we are really enjoying ourselves - and then all of a sudden we hear feet running up the stairs -

Probably sounding panic'd I reiterated, "You locked the door right?"

"Yes, the door is locked." BigGuy reassured me. Then BOOM - the door was open. "You said you locked the door!" I squeaked. BigGuy insisted, "I did lock the door." - only clearly he hadn't because the door was wide open and there stood our 7yr old getting a visual lesson. Our body arrangement was very traditional - BigGuy was on top and he was the one that Spidey had his eyes set on - in a very Deer In the Headlights sort of a way. Lucky for me BigGuy takes up so much space - I don't think Spidey even noticed I was there.

"Ahhhh...." Spidey started with, "Ahhh...."

"What do you want Spidey?" BigGuy said - not able to move for fear of revealing too much of himself.

"Ahhhh....can I have a carrot cake cupcake Mom made? They are down in the kitchen and I ate all my lunch and I was wondering if aaaahhhh....." Spidey said quickly - although it seemed to take forever.

All of a sudden TheKing popped in from around Spidey - jumping up and down screaming, "I wanna cake. I wanna cake too."

BigGuy cut both of them off by saying, "Yes go get a cupcake that is fine. Close the door."

Spidey was gone - running down the stairs probably more out of confusion then need for the cupcake any longer - but TheKing stood in his spot - screaming and jumping for a cupcake. We told him to go get one - that Spidey would help him - but he wouldn't go - so BigGuy got up and went around to convince him Spidey would help and closed the door (and really locked it right) after TheKing was happily now screaming at Spidey to get him a cupcake.

Seriously.

We got dressed. Now my thought was - We did not have to give him a Learning Visual - we could have rented books from the library like other parents do - this was far too much information - this could mess him up for life and he will never be able to have sex like a normal person - and that BigGuy would have to for certain talk to him right away. We went downstairs. Spidey was eating a cupcake at the table. He looked up and grinned. We sat down with him. Spidey said, "Dad you were all naked." BigGuy said, "Yes I was." And that seemed to be it. BigGuy didn't say anything else - Spidey didn't say anything else. Was this it? So I kinda nudged BigGuy and he asked, "Do you have any questions?" To which Spidey said, "Ah were you doing the sex?" And then I left. I have always been good about this stuff, but I was going to laugh and that wasn't right - was it? BigGuy said there were a few more questions that had nothing to do with anything and Spidey came and sat with the rest of the kids watching the movie. He doesn't seem twisted for life - at least not yet.

BigGuy will never be trusted for door locking ever again.